- Gluten Free -
Out of sheer desperation to stay the same size, I sold my soul to avoid carbs. Sure the yuppies, housewives and fashion folk simply claim to be gluten intolerant, but not me—I’m too honest for such a grand fib, which is why a bargain was in my best interest. Who needs a soul when you have style! Besides, I lost half of mine at a bar one night during fashion week. But that's a different story. On the eve of the agreement, I had a brief interaction with Dracula. It was just enough time to seal the deal and to go over the fine print.
YOU WILL NOW WEAR CULOTTES WITH FLATFORM SANDALS AND GRAPHIC TEES!
ANY CONSUMPTION OF GLUTEN WILL HAVE DIRE CONSEQUENCES!
Little did I know that these warning signs were not to be taken lightly! Who knew selling my soul would translate into wearing Derek Lam, Helmut Lang, Zara, and Birkenstocks on a daily basis? I had a future and it was bleak. It was to be spent dressed in leisurely basics and donning tees with the names of bands I don't listen to. I’m not going to lie: it was excruciatingly comfortable. Sure, I no longer had style but at least I found a place where I belonged –With the others… in SoHo… with Canon cameras on black leather straps.
As quickly as I made friends with my new posse I was expelled from the group. One night at dinner was all it took to set my bargain back and be viewed as an outsider from my new friends. Sure, we all ordered gluten free appetizers but that doesn't mean we stayed away from the bread. Just a single bite was all it took to feel the discomfort of the gluten expanding in my body. I expanded so fast, my clothes ripped right off my body, exposing me in my true form: A TRUST FUND OUTCAST! No longer were my ideas “fresh” and “cutting edge” and no longer was I “gender fluid.” I was now (and again) the girl that didn't fit in with the street style features. It wasn't long until the full transformation took place and I drained the blood of every diner on Green Street. After all: I did say I sold my soul to Dracula.