- Brooklyn -
F or 30 days in October, people tell me how great my Cruella or Lady Gaga costume is while giving me a thumbs up. I'm not going to lie: their words are hurtful. The mockery I face in my day to day life during the most festive of months is damaging to my confidence. I could be having so much fun this month but, instead, I'm dealing with this. So I am making this the year of change. For 30 days I will dress as all of you.
I'm starting with you, Brooklyn. I'm going to take the L all the way to Bedford. I'm going to emerge out of the subway with coconut oil on my face and kombucha in hand. I'm going to walk into the nearest bodega and, in the most passive aggressive tone, ask "is there sodium in this cured seitan?" They will look at me and say, "it IS cured," and I'm going to get offended because they CLEARLY don't understand that I was asking for the pure humanity of seitan! I will throw a fit internally and walk out while my last words "I'll spend my money elsewhere" linger in the air. Now THEY will be offended.
I will walk out of the bodega and grab the first 60 people I see in flannel and we will begin a social media movement for seitan rights. We will create a snarky hashtag within minutes and someone with 600k Instagram followers will post a still life photo of seitan on pale pink paper with the hashtag to spread awareness. Together we create a new Instagram account with our purpose in the bio and all the photos will be of the vegan protein in official landmarks throughout NYC in an artistic way. All 61 of us will monitor this page and the followers will accumulate fast. After 3 days we will have gained 61k followers and I will laugh and say "all this over some weird vegan food" and they will all catch on that I was never authentic and accuse me of cultural appropriation. I will never go to Brooklyn again.